It's a really cool thing to be open and I'm inspired by all who choose to be vulnerable and in love with themselves. Honestly, there's no point to hating on it anymore. So here goes, I starved myself when I was 16.
As a child, like most I assume, I was told to get my health in shape or I'd face issues as an adult. No one told me how, of course. With fear I began my obsessive journey to prevent sickness. You'd think that meant to eat the obvious fruits and vegetables but sadly, things got worse before they got better. I thought the main ticket to health was being thin.
Why? Because EVERYONE was into it.
Eventually, because I was not in control of what I ate, I began to label food as good or bad and that meant most things were bad. This led me to simply cut back on food then. So long as it contained a calorie or prevented hunger, I perceived it to make me fat. As you can imagine, every food on Earth does this. That's the point of food. Energy + Sustenance. I knew I had to eat, so Anorexia can be either not eating at all or prolonging life by eating very little. I chose to eat very little and definitely never ate in front of anyone besides this:
*one slice of bread
*1/2 slice of fat free cheese
*touch of mayo
*1/2 slice of deli turkey
No breakfast. No lunch. Just dinner. If it was a get-together, I simply said I was full. Because, I literally was. I did not crave to eat or desire it anymore. This seemed normal for me. I thought I was on the right path and discovered the secret to perfect health!
My sister and cousin were concerned, especially when my ribs stuck out. Then the doctors told me I was anemic. If you read my "About" page, you'll see this is the year I collapsed to the floor of my bathroom. Turns out, I had a very stressful year. 2002 (uncle died. great aunt died. dad almost died. cousin in car accident and his friends died. family dog died. sister's friend died.) Not kidding. This all happened in 6 months. I dropped about 30 pounds, weighing about 100 and wearing a size 0. At 16, do you even know what stress-eating is? How about stress-NOT-eating?
After the doctors and my mother learned of my malnourishment and stress, we began to implement healthier foods into my diet and exercise more. I had a steady and healthy weight.
Then I turned 18 and starved myself again.
I worked at a drugstore at the time and was a lot more independent, being already graduated from school and driving on top of making money, so getting away with my diet was easy. Until my supervisor pulled me out back and handed me a burrito... a GIANT burrito. The conversation went like this:
"Eat this, all of it and we're not leaving until you do," he demanded.
I threw a fit. I had no idea why he was doing this but I got angry out of nowhere. He stood his ground.
"We've been talking and we are not seeing you eat. We see you buy junk food and take it home but we're concerned with your weight loss and eating habits," he went on.
"There is nothing going on. I don't have any issues!" I knew I did. I was ashamed. I was also afraid of gaining weight and even more fearful of that burrito. I burst out in tears and sobbed. He promised to quit smoking if I ate it. Considering that I enjoyed him as a friend, and he was like a big brother, I took a few bites. And yes. I cried the whole time.
I was no longer anorexic and never have been again.
That experience taught me that I had a terrible relationship with my body, with me. I was flawed to believe being thin makes you beautiful. I was afraid of food because I didn't love myself. I still can't believe he recognized this behavior in me. I was so careful of hiding the food I bought and then hiding it in my room, eating only at night (2-liter soda and a Snickers bar).
The past has always been a part of the plan for where I am now. I am thankful for all of my experiences because I know I am not the only one.
When you're ready to learn how to love food and yourself, I am here for you.